Why Communism is the Ultimate Life Hack (That Somehow Always Ends in Gulags)

Oh, Communism… the end game of any flavor of Leftism…! The dreamy ideology that promises to turn humanity into one big, happy family where everyone shares everything, works tirelessly for the collective good, and nobody ever feels the sting of inequality. It’s basically the original “sharing is caring” mantra, but scaled up to an entire nation and enforced with tanks. What could possibly go wrong? Absolutely nothing, comrades—except, you know, the 100 million or so inconvenient deaths, economic collapse, and the ironic rise of a new super-rich elite class. But hey, details!

Picture this: You wake up in a communist paradise. No more greedy capitalists hoarding yachts while you struggle with rent. Nope! From each according to his ability, to each according to his needs. Translation: You toil away in a factory producing steel that nobody wants, and in return, you get a tiny apartment, a bread ration that tastes like regret, and the warm glow of knowing your neighbor is spying on you for the greater good. Isn’t collectivism just chef’s kiss?

The real genius of Marxism is how it bravely ignores that pesky little thing called human nature. You see, people are selfish creatures who love incentives—like money, status, or at least the option to buy a better brand of toilet paper. But communism says, “Pfft, incentives are for losers! True humans will work just as hard for the joy of the commune.” Spoiler alert: They don’t. Productivity plummets faster than a Soviet five-year plan. Farms fail, factories idle, and suddenly everyone’s an expert at standing in line for potatoes. Who needs innovation when you can have equality in misery?

Of course, when people inevitably slack off (because why bust your hump if the lazy guy next door gets the same crumbs?), the system needs a little… encouragement. Enter the glorious People’s Police, secret trials, re-education camps, and the occasional wall to stop you from fleeing to places with actual groceries. All totally necessary, comrades! Without a strong leader—sorry, “vanguard of the proletariat”—the masses might selfishly demand things like food or freedom. Can’t have that disrupting the utopia!

And let’s not forget the best part: the elites. In theory, communism abolishes class distinctions. In practice, it just rebrands them. Say hello to the nomenklatura—the party bosses who get dachas, imported caviar, and private shops stocked with Western luxuries while preaching austerity to the peasants. Equality for all… except the ones in charge, who apparently need extra motivation to lead. It’s almost as if power corrupts or something. Weird!

Defenders will whine, “But real communism has never been tried!” Sure, Jan. Every time it flops—Soviet Union, China, Cuba, Venezuela, Cambodia—it’s because of “external sabotage,” “bad leaders,” or “not enough time.” Funny how capitalism gets blamed for its failures too, but somehow keeps delivering iPhones, vaccines, and enough food to make obesity a problem. Meanwhile, communist experiments keep delivering famines, purges, and escape tunnels.

Look, if you want true communal living, join a hippie co-op or a monastery. Those work great when they’re voluntary, small-scale, and people can leave if the vegan potlucks get old. But force it on 100 million people with no opt-out? Congratulations—you’ve invented totalitarianism with extra steps.

So here’s to communism: the ideology that proves, time and time again, that if you try to override human self-interest on a national scale, you don’t get paradise. You get bread lines, barbed wire, and a new aristocracy in red stars. Truly revolutionary!