Perestroika 2.0: Cuba's Brilliant Leap Forward And How Everything Marxists/Leftists Touch Turns To Crap
March 16, 2026: a glorious day in Cuba and only two days after the 143rd anniversary of Karl Marx’s death! After 67 years of flawless Marxist/Leftist perfection, the Cuban dictatorship has finally cracked the code to prosperity: they’re launching their very own Perestroika! Yes, the same economic restructuring that turned the Soviet Union into a thriving capitalist paradise—wait, no, the one that accelerated its spectacular implosion in 1991. But surely this time it’ll be different. Because nothing says “unwavering commitment to socialism” like begging the Miami exiles you spent decades demonizing as gusanos to come back and own the island’s businesses, banks, and infrastructure.
Picture it: the same regime that nationalized everything in sight, jailed dissidents, and blamed the U.S. embargo for every empty shelf is now rolling out the red carpet for those traitorous émigrés. Exiled Cubans can now partner with local private firms on massive projects, open foreign-currency accounts (imagine dollars flowing freely into state banks!), snag usufruct rights to land, and even cozy up in alliances with the glorious state entities. Large-scale operations? Infrastructure? Why stop at paladares when you can let the gusanos rebuild the ports and power plants they supposedly sabotaged?
It’s genius. Pure dialectical materialism in action. After ration books, blackouts, and an economy smaller than most shopping malls, the solution was obvious: invite the people who fled your utopia to fund it. Because who better to revive socialism than the capitalists you exiled for being too capitalist?
And look, it’s already inspiring copycats. New York’s own imbecilic Mamdani must be taking furious notes—finally, a clear roadmap to success from the masters of central planning. Marxism/Leftism triumphs once more! Just give it a few more five-year plans, a couple more “special periods,” and maybe some light regime change pressure from the north, and Cuba will be the envy of the world.
Or, you know, Perestroika will do what Perestroika does best: end the experiment. But hey, at least they’ll go out with style—bankrolled by the very exiles they once cursed. Viva la Revolución... with remittances and foreign investment!
Cuba: The latest example of how everything Marxists/Leftists touch turns to crap! Or maybe 67 years wasn’t long enough… or Marxism/Leftism wasn’t done right. Not enough Made in China hammers and sickles?
